Just a Flower on the Wall

messy situation

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 21:14:51 GMT

Okay... how can I handle this without losing either person? I have two close friends that are on the outs between eachother... One of them is constantly talking crap to me about the other and the other is constantly asking me to tell her what the first one is saying about her... I have this thing about gossip... I don't do it... but I have been because I don't want to lose my friend but I am afraid it's going to get back to the first person and then she isn't going to want to be friends anymore either... I KNOW, THIS IS COMPLICATED!!! What can I do so that I don't lose either friend and still stay out of their mess?

Emily

forgot something

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 04:33:37 GMT

i forgot to tell yall, i haven't heard anything from the alters in like months... i don't know what to think... most of them had integrated, i only had three alters left... but i haven't even heard anything from them... i have no idea what is going on...

just thought i'd throw that out there; if yall have any ideas, throw them my way...

emily

Update

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 04:05:09 GMT

just wanted to let you all know that i am still alive...

when i posted last time, i was drinking, but since then i haven't had a single drink. GO ME! my sobriety date is the 8th of December, 2006. i have some support, from friends, to keep me sober...

well, i'm gonna get going...

emily

overwhelmed and on my way to having a wonderful night....

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 21:55:34 GMT

A bunch of little things have been getting my down lately, and it seems that they have all just decided to rear their ugly heads at once this week. I can't stand it anymore. No I am NOT suicidal. But yes I am drinking right now. I know it is only early in the afternoon where I am but I don't give a shit, really. I would much rather be drunk by the end of the night than have to deal with all this shit for one more day. I know I will have to deal with it eventually, but today is not the day.

Now, to top it all off, my shrink would like for me to go to a treatment facility, one of those 28-day programs. I can't afford that shit. I just can't. There is no question about that.

Well I gotta go be functional while I drink, or my mom is going to bite my head off.

Emily

update...

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 22:25:03 GMT

well, i havent seen him since monday so i am feeling a little better about that...

however, i have recently decided to quit drinking... i have been drinking for 6 years... i was a binge drinker for the most part up unitl recently when i started drinking everyday... when i drink, i cannot control how much i drink, and i know that. i cannot guarantee how my night is going to end from the moment i start drinking... basically because of the fact that when i have one drink, i cannot promise that i can stop at one drink, i am an alcoholic... this is why i have decided to stop drinking.

but right now i FEEL like crap... i am detoxing and i really want to drink just to stop the detox, and to feel better...

i just have to keep telling myself that my higher power has something else in mind for me. something besides being drunk.

that's all i got for right now. i'll talk to yall later...

Emily

really bad stuff going on here....

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 03:19:10 GMT

I am really freaking out. I don't know what to do. As I may have said before, I was in an abusive relationship when I was seventeen, but I don't think that I have said before that this guy has a tendency hang out places where he knows I will be and follow me around. The furthest he has gone lately is shoving me into a wall, and he probably would have gone further but I kinda kneed him in the groin. I was in protection mode. Fight or Flight.

Well, when I got home yesterday, he was sitting in his truck, across the street from my house, just sitting there. And he was there this morning too. Luckily, he didn't follow me all the way to where I was going. He followed me down the road, but he turned the other direction. I guess he just wanted to see what time I left in the morning or something. Or he expected me to be going to the bus to campus, which I wasn't. I was going to my group therapy.

I told them about the feelings of fear that I had had when I got home and saw him there but didn't actually tell them that I had seen him there. Does that make any sense? I did not tell the group that he is stalking me again, but I did tell them that I had had a really bad day and that I had had a lot of fear the day before, but did not say why. That makes more sense.

I did, however, talk to one of the group leaders, the one who didn't lead group today, who happened to be in the elevator at the same time as me and asked how I was. I couldn't lie to her and say "just peachy" you know, so I said "crappy" and she asked if I wanted to talk. We sat down on one of the couches in the lobby of the hospital and I told her everything that had happend up until that point which was only that he had abused me, he hads a tendency of stalking me and that I had seen him in front of my house once. Of course, she immedietely told me to call the cops.

I CAN'T CALL THE COPS!!! I just can't do it. I would rather die than call the cops. To me, the thought of what he would do if I called the cops is worse than what could possibly happen if the is no police intervention at all. No matter what he does to me, I cannot let him hurt the people I love. I just can't. That is not an option I am even willing to consider, yet. If things were to get a hell of a lot worse, maybe, but not yet. And I mean A HELL OF A LOT WORSE!!!

Well I am going to go to bed. I have to get up early in the morning.

Emily

i'm back, for now anyway...

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 02:36:05 GMT

I know it has been a really long time and for that I am really sorry. I had been dealing with school and being depressed and manic and depressed and manic and so on... But now I am getting a withdrawal from school becasue I just got out of the hospital (I was having suicidal and homicidal thoughts - it is a long story, maybe I will get into another time) and I am doing an intensive outpatient DBT group (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). So basically, I don't have time for school, but plus I need to get a job to pay for bills and I can't do that and school at the same time, so... I had to make a decision.

Overall, I haven't been doing very well, but I have survived and that is what matters, right? How are yall doing? I hope you are all doing well. Hope to hear from you soon.

Emily

been a while...

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 00:22:37 GMT

Sorry it's been so long since I updated... I haven't been in the mood to get on the computer...

I have been really depressed.... then the flashbacks and the nightmares started up again.... and now a guy from my past is following me around.... He hasn't approached me or said anything.... he's just following me wherever I go. I have told my therapist and we have safety plans in place, because I absolutely REFUSE to call the police. The bad part is this is making the depression worse and I am afraid to go to sleep. I haven't slept in two nights. I am exhausted, but I can't let myself sleep. I just can't!

Unfortunately, dinner is ready, so I have to put on a happy face and pretend like nothing is wrong....

TTYL,
Emily

Sorry...

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 20:09:34 GMT

Sorry I haven't been around much lately.... I've had alot of stuff going on lately.... Emma integrated.... Two more personalities showed up (they call themselves "the twins", they come as a package deal, I guess).... Then some weird drawing showed up in my journal that no one can explain.... No one knows who did it, at least they aren't telling me.... and I have to go to school through all of this.... Basically, my life SUCKS right now....

Well lunch is ready. I hate to cut this short but I gotta go.

~Emily

OMG!

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 02:26:10 GMT

Emma, the alter that is in charge inside, may be INTEGRATING!!! She is preparing Sam to take over being in charge on the inside and she is going to start giving her memories to Sam tomorrow!!! I don't understand exactly how that works, but that's what she said. She said that there is a chance she may not integrate but I don't believe that. I think that she was just trying to calm me down. I am really freaking out right now!!! I don't know what to do!!! This would be a HUGE change in our system, and I don't think I can handle it right now... or ever!!!

I don't like the idea of anyone integrating, but especially EMMA!!! Emma is my rock on the inside. She is the one I go to when I want to know something, or don't understand why something is the way it is. She always knows. How can I deal with being multiple without her?!?!? I don't think I can...

I need Emma. She has been around since the beginning. She knows almost everything there is to know. The only things she doesn't know is what happened before she was in charge. She wasn't in charge until I was in fifth grade. Someone else was and we don't know where they are right now but we don't think they have integrated because the memories are still "out there in the abyss" somewhere.

I am really freaking out right now. I NEED EMMA!!! And I don't see my therapist until Friday. I emailed him and asked for an earlier appt. but I don't know if he's gonna have one or not.

Well I am going to go outside and try to calm down before bed. Please comment. Tell me what I should do.

~Emily

Tonight...

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:45:06 GMT

Not looking forward to it... We have to go to a party... with a bunch of old people... We are prolly gonna be the only young person there. The party is for one of Emily's mom's friend's anniversary. I think it's their 50th. Emily refused to go, so we have to be out the entire time. This sucks. I don't want to go either... Maybe I can get out of it too.

Anyway, Emily has been working on the website. She got some of the artwork up. There is one that hasn't been scanned in yet, but there are 5 on the site. They are all over, so have a looksy. The site is here. Hoep you like them.

Well I gotta go now. Nice talking to yall.

~River

This is Sam...

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 01:27:41 GMT

Emily just self injured. Her reasoning is that she can't take it anymore. She can't take the depression, the being suicidal, or the "arrangement" anymore. Of course, she wasn't the only one that wanted to do it. That's how she got away with it. River, one of the other alters (whom we thought we could trust to tell us when she was unsafe to be out), lied for her, and basically let her cut. The ones that wanted to cut were River, Cori and Emily. And Emily did the actual work.

She didn't hurt herself very bad, but there are a lot of them, meaning that we had no clue what was going on. We thought River was watching her. We made a mistake. As soon as River came to me and said, "Emily's cutting." (Just like that, too!), I came out and stopped her, but it was too late. The damage was done. I don't know what to do.

After her appointment with her therapist today, I thought she was doing better. And she actually sat down this evening and let the little ones and River out to paint. Sadie wants to give hers to Emily's mom, but Emily is going to scan it into the computer first. She is going to scan the other two in too, and put all three on her new website. Yall can go see them in a few days or as soon as Emily gets them up. The link is www.geocities.com/flower_onthe_wall/ They are prolly gonna be in the My Story or DID section. I don't know which one she is planning on putting them in. Maybe in both. I just don't know.

What should we do? Should we tighten the ropes or what? Should we still let her out and just watch her really closely? I have no idea what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

~Sam

Well...

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:05:39 GMT

I had the test today. And I have another one tomorrow. And then I am done with this class. Now I just have to wait for the professor to post the grades for the expressive part of the exam, which is what we did today. I can't wait. I want to know. NOW! I want to know if there is a chance of me getting a B in this class, so I know if I need to study or not. I know I should study anyway, but I know that I can get at least a 50 without studying.

Well I am going to go outside now. I'll be back later.

~Emily

test... and other stuff...

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 00:57:28 GMT

well, i have a test tomorrow... and thursday... but then i am done with this class... only problem is that i start my next class on monday... the alters are trying to figure out a way that we can go to class and i don't have to be out... cuz if i have to be out, i will not get a good grade in that class either... as it is, i will not be able to get an A in my current class... and to get a B, i have to average an 85 on the two tests i have the next two days... to get a C, i have to average a 50, so i am probably going to pass the class, but i want to get higher than a C... i want a B, but i don't think that is really possible considering how i have done in the class in the past couple of weeks... i mainly just want to pass the class, and i am pretty sure that i am going to do that... so...

i also have a therapy appt tomorrow that i don't really want to go to, but the others won't let me skip it, so... i kinda have to go... the only reason i would be willing to go is to find out something that has been bothering me... i don't remember who came out first... i know it was with my therapist, the one i am seeing now, cuz i have been seeing him for three years... and i've only been "out" since October 2004... i found when it was in my journal, but i made no reference to the actual appointment and what it was like in the journal... i emailed my therapist and asked him if he remembers or if he has it in his notes and if he could look for me... it has just really been bothering me...

i want to write more but i need to study more for the tests... i'll try to write more later...

~emily

Update

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 01:23:50 GMT

you wouldn't believe how bad I feel right now! I am still depressed and suicidal. The alters are still running everything. I am tired of not remembering anything, though. That is the only problem with the current arrangement.

I just want these bad feelings to go away. The doctor changed my meds. But in a weird way. He got rid of my antipsychotic (Abilify) and lowered my mood stabilizer (Topamax). I don't understand, but whatever. The doctor said that the flatness may be a result of the Topamax. But they did nothing for the depression. I see them again in 3 weeks. But i see a different intern, because mine will no longer be there. The main doctor will still be the same though. And my therapist is still the same, so...

Well I guess that is all for right now. Talk to yall later.

~Emily

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 22:29:50 GMT

This is Sam. Well, it looks like we are getting a new shrink. When we saw the psychiatrist today (and I will go into how that went) he said that this will be the last time she will be seeing him and that they will be setting her up with a different intern in the same office. She doesn't have to go looking for a new one or anything. It is in the same office. Just that the office she goes to is kind of a "teaching" office with interns and supervisors and her intern is graduating, I guess. We don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, though. She gets really upset when things like this change, without her consent, and she had no warning. So we are going to have to watch her extra close the next few days.

Now, the appointment... it went relatively well... Emily was out the entire time. Which is what we wanted. Howard, our therapist, was able to get her to come out at the end of our therapy session, which was right before our psychiatrist appointment, and was able to talk her into staying out unless the shrink threatened to hospitalize her, in which case he said it was alright to let me take over from there. However the shrink didn't even ask if she was suicidal (big mistake on his part, IMO) so he didn't know to even ask about the hospital.

But they still don't know about us, since none of us came out. Emily did tell them about the voices and she told them about the fact that she only remembers bits and pieces of the last week, but the supervising psychiatrist thinks that the memory thing and the emotional flatness is the Topamax and had her decrease it. Not that we are complaining. She is overmedicated as it is. And they figured out that two of her meds interact, so they are having her stop one of them, the Abilify, because it has also been giving her a twitch in her hand.

Well that is how the appointment went. We also had a test today. A test that Emily refused to take. So Cassie and I studied, and took it for her. I think we did okay on it, but I don't know if we did good enough. We got a 37 out of 50 so that is what.... 74%? Yeah.... We did okay.... Now we just have to find some way to get her to take the expressive and the comprehensive parts of the exam, because none of us really understand sign language to the extent that we need to for the exam.

Well that's all for now, buhbye...

~Samantha

Hi, I'm Cassie....

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 01:44:26 GMT

Well, Emily is not doing very good at the moment. She has a test tomorrow, and refuses to study for it and refuses to be the one to take it. She did agree to go to class though, which I guess is a step in the right direction. So Sam and I are going to study and we are going to be the ones taking the test in the morning. I know that is not a very good thing, considering Emily is the one who has to live with the grade but she will get a better grade if we take the test than if she goes in with no preparation and we force her to take the test.

Another reason Emily is not doing good at the moment is that she got a perfect score on a quiz in her class and it didn't provoke any kind of reaction out of her at all. NOTHING!!! AT ALL!!! What was that? We expected something... a smile, a grin, a little jump of happiness, but there was nothing...

We are still taking charge, if you can't tell, and Emily has only been out a couple times in the past week. When she comes out, she doesn't remember what has been going on and is disoriented and confused. We try to help her, but she doesn't want our help. She says she can do it on her own. We let her, of course, but we are always keeping a close eye on her. I know for a fact that she has more sharps than the ones we found, and if she gets one, we have to be able to pull her back in and get one of us back out really fast.

One thing that we are stressing out about is that Emily has a shrink appt tomorrow and we want him to see how depressed she is but she doesn't want to come out while she is there. The only problem with that is that her psychiatrist is hesitant about diagnosing DID/MPD in us for some reason. So if we show up and tell him we are depressed and don't look depressed, he will know something is up. And none of us are that good of actresses (or actor since there is one male in our system). We can pretend to be Emily, but we can't pretend to be depressed. Those are two different things.

Another thing that is stressing us out is hiding the depression and the fact that we are not Emily from Emily's mom. Her mom kinda knows about the DID, but it's been awhile since they had the talk with a previous psychiatrist about the "possibility" of it and her mom may have pushed it out of her mind. We don't want to worry her though. We don't want her to know that her little girl is suicidal and that her little girl's alters have taken over her life for a little while. Does that make any sense whatsoever?

For the moment though, everything seems to be running pretty smoothly. Except for a few speedbumps. The main ones being the test, the shrink appt tomorrow, and hiding the depression from her mom. Other than those few things, everything is going well. We are in control and we haven't had any problems with Emily getting out of hand, which is really good.

Now we just have to worry about tomorrow. Wish us luck, and if you have any advice, feel free....

~Cassie

Don't know what to say....

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 23:53:42 GMT

Well first off, I'm am one of the alters. I am Samantha. I guess I will start with an update on Emily.

She is still depressed and slightly suicidal. But we are all taking care of her. We won't let anything happen to her. I had to hide her sleeping pills from her and am thinking about hiding some of her other meds too. On another note, I have been having to make her eat and shower lately, and having to make her go to class, and keep up with her chores too. And by that, I mean that I have been doing it for her pretty much.

We had a quiz today in class. Which it was good that I was the one that was out at class because I was the one that did all of the reading for the quiz anyway. I think I did okay on the quiz but this professor grades pretty hard, so you never know.

We also turned in our volunteer presentation on Monday. Emily is really nervous about that. She doesn't think she did very good on it but there is nothing she can do about that now. It's turned in. Come to think of it, I am going to go see if the grade is posted. I'll brb.

Well the grade from the presentation is not up yet but the grade from the last movie critique was. She got full credit. That will take some stress off of her.

And I found the order in which she has to read the books for her next class, so she can start on them. It's a philosophy course so the reading is going to be kinda dense, and may be hard to get through.

Well I have to eat and clean up the computer room, now.

~Sam

another update

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 04:44:26 GMT

well i got a new computer, and this one works.... i thought that would make me feel better but it didn't.... it's just something to take up time since i can't focus on school.... i should be reading for a quiz i have on tuesday, but i can't seem to focus or get the motivation to do it.... this sux.... i have a new toy and i can't even enjoy it.... well, i'm gonna go smoke while this stupid thing downloads something....

emily

update

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 14:26:24 GMT

i called my therapist and talked to him.... i also see him today.... he asked if i need to go to the hospital.... that's what i was afraid of.... that's why i didn't want to call.... well i gotta go to class now.... bye....

emily

depressed....

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 20:19:28 GMT

title says it all.... don't really know what else to say.... it got so bad last night i wanted to end it.... but obviously i didn't, so.... i was journalling and the alters started yelling at me to go the the hospital, they want me to go inpatient.... I CAN'T.... i have school and other stuff to deal with.... i can't just up and leave just cuz things got rough.... i have to tough it out and live with it.... or not live with it.... can you tell i'm still a little suicidal? well i'm at the library and the computer is about to kick me off, i've gotta go.... i see my therapist tomorrow and i'm planning on calling him today as soon as i get up the nerve.... ttyl....

emily

Comp still down...

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 16:49:23 GMT

My computer is still down and I may end up having to get a new one. Not much to say about it cuz it's stressing me out so I am gonna leave it at that. Talk to yall later. Buhbye.

Emily

May be a while...

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 17:12:48 GMT

My comp is messed up so it may be a while before I can get on again. Right now I am on a computer at school. Don't know what's wrong with it but the internet is not working.

Emily

been busy....

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 03:47:17 GMT

Been busy with school and other stuff, so I haven't been on. Sorry. I meant to update yall a long time ago about the EEG, but I just couldn't find the time to get around to it. Everytime I got on, I'd only have time to check my email and get off so that I could study. But right now, I am all caught up and have nothing to do. So...

I got the results back from the EEG. Everything was NORMAL!!! What the hell is it then? The spells are still happening, about three times a day. I don't know what to think anymore. I am glad it wasn't seizures, but I want to know what it is!!!

On another note, I am having nightmares again. Not scary ones, just disturbing... I wake up with this feeling like I need to scream just to let out the frustration but I don't know why. I remember the dreams because I have them all night, especially when I am in that state when you are half awake half asleep in the morning when you tend to remember your dreams.

Becasue of the nightmares, I have cut a couple times too. It didn't solve anything except to make all of my problems go away temporarily. But the came back. They always come back!!!

I haven't been dissociating as much lately. The alters haven't been coming out except when we journal or when I let them out to play or color or just around the house when I am alone. Or at therapy. They come out at therapy still. But other than that, they have been staying inside and leaving me be.

I had another integration. Gaby. She is the one that would freak out about going somewhere new because she was afraid we would get lost. Her first memory was of getting lost as a child.

And, again, Emma didn't tell me when she integrated because she thought I couldn't "handle it". She treats me like a child just like my mom does. It's pitiful. I wish she would stop. And I've told her, but she keeps doing it. No matter what I say, she keeps doing it.

Right now though, I am really happy. REALLY HAPPY!!! And I don't know why. I just am. Maybe it's the Bipolar. I HAVE been taking my meds, before you ask. Regularly and as directed. I'm just happy right now. Too happy to go to bed. And too happy to sit still much longer. Maybe I'll go outside and smoke for a minute and think of something to do. I need something to do. I'm bored and boredom is a BAD thing. Boredom leads to cutting when I am this happy. Don't know why, just does. Brings me down though. But right now, I don't want to come down. So I am not going to cut, so don't worry.

Well I am going to go find something to do to occupy my time until I am actually tired. TTYL.

~Emily

EEG and other stuff....

Fri, 26 May 2006 02:08:00 GMT

My EEG is scheduled for tomorrow at 8 am. I will update yall tomorrow or whenever I get the results. I am really freaking out right now. I can't go to bed for another two hours cuz they want me to go to bed two hours later than I normally do. And I normally go to bed at 9 pm. I am freaking out cuz I don't want it to happen while they are doing the EEG but at the rate that the spells have been happening the past couple of days, it probably will. I know that it will be good if it happens while they are doing the EEG, because then they can see if it really is a seizure, but I just don't like the way they make me feel.

I know that these spells sound alot like dissociation, but that is not how they feel. At least not to me. When I dissociate, I am COMPLETELY unaware. With these spells, I can still hear, but barely, my vision goes black, and I can't move or speak. I just stare off into space until it is over. I don't fall down or pass out or anything. I just stare off into space. It fits into what would be called an "absence seizure" if I really am having seizures.

I hope that is NOT what it is though. I don't know what else it could be though. I mean, I am on alot of medication, and I mean ALOT of medication. If the neurologist says it's not seizures then I am going to try to talk to shrink into lowering my amount of medication to a reasonable amount. What I am on now would not be considered reasonable. One med for my stomach, two for my blood pressure, a type of birth control, a multivitamin, fiber, and four psychotropics, plus my PRN anxiety, random pain, and migraine meds. (ALL OF THOSE ARE BY DOCTOR'S ORDER!!!!!)

On the DID front, the alters have been kinda staying at the wayside throughout all of this and letting me handle everything, which is good. They haven't been coming out at all, either. I don't know why they haven't been coming out. Maybe they think I have enough on my plate, and I don't need them messing with my memory too. I don't know.

Well, I am going to go kill some time journalling outside and see if I can calm myself down. Again, I will update yall as soon as I know something. TTYL.

Emily